Why The Chicago Bears Lost (A Fantasy)
Here's a transcript of some of the conversation:
FitzSimons: "Your salaries are too high, and we certainly don't have to have so large a bench. In fact, I think we can do with 10 men in the game at a time.
Hiller: That's right.
Lovie Smith: You guys are trying to do to me what you did to the Chicago Cubs. You're going to make us lose this game.
FitzSimons: Nonsense. If you don't follow my instructions, I'm only going to put nine men on the field.
Hiller: My boss is always right.
(The Bears fall behind 16-14).
Hiller: Rex Grossman needs to throw the ball the way I want him to.
Lovie Smith: Please, gentlemen. Some of my players are already sick. I think it was those enchiladas filled with potatoes you brought from Chicago and served at halftime.
FitzSimons: Chicago food is great. You shouldn't have been feeding them Miami food. Everything should come from Chicago. After all, our city father was Al Capone.
Lovie Smith: Don't treat the Bears the way you've treated the Los Angeles Times.
Hiller: I warn you: I fired Baquet and I can get rid of you too, unless Grossman throws the way I tell him to.
Grossman: I need to follow my coach's instructions.
FitzSimons: Nonsense, David and I came down here to do for the Bears what we've done for Tribune Co. and you must follow our instructions.
Grossman: But you guys wrecked the Tribune Co.
Hiller: Don't be insubordinate. Now, taunt the Colts by throwing your passes closer to them.
Grossman: Coach, do I have to?
Smith: I suppose you do. If you don't, Hiller will sic his friend Ken Starr on you, and you'll be prosecuted in the off-season.
(Grossman throws an intercepted pass, which is returned 56 yards for a touchdown, icing the game for the Colts)
Hiller: Hmmm! Kelvin Hayden is a cousin of mine. I play squash with him, just like I did with Donald Rumsfeld.
FitzSimons: We're going to have to downsize further. The Bears can do with half the linemen they have.
Smith: Fuck you, you dirty scoundrel.
(Game ends: Colts win, 29-17).
FitzSimons: Well, David, I guess it's back to Chicago and Los Angeles for us.
Hiller: But not before we have some of that Chicago food we brought with us. Rex, would you like some?
Grossman: No. I don't want to die of food poisoning. I've already lost the game, following your instructions.
Smith: Get the hell out of here, you screwballs. Next year, I'm going to follow Baquet to Washington and coach the Redskins.
FitzSimons: Fuck you, you dirty scoundrel. I'll send James O'Shea in to coach the Bears as soon as you leave.
Hiller: The Bears might not win. But under O'Shea, at least they'll have a better Web site.
FitzSimons: Not with our money, though.
Labels: Tribune failures