Monday, February 05, 2007

Why The Chicago Bears Lost (A Fantasy)

The Chicago Bears were leading the Indianapolis Colts 14-6 in the Super Bowl, when suddenly Tribune Co. executives Dennis FitzSimons and David Hiller showed up on the field and began to throw their weight around. Coach Lovie Smith was helpless to stop them, and finally Hiller threatened to fire Smith, citing the precedent of his ouster of Dean Baquet at the L.A. Times.

Here's a transcript of some of the conversation:

FitzSimons: "Your salaries are too high, and we certainly don't have to have so large a bench. In fact, I think we can do with 10 men in the game at a time.

Hiller: That's right.

Lovie Smith: You guys are trying to do to me what you did to the Chicago Cubs. You're going to make us lose this game.

FitzSimons: Nonsense. If you don't follow my instructions, I'm only going to put nine men on the field.

Hiller: My boss is always right.

(The Bears fall behind 16-14).

Hiller: Rex Grossman needs to throw the ball the way I want him to.

Lovie Smith: Please, gentlemen. Some of my players are already sick. I think it was those enchiladas filled with potatoes you brought from Chicago and served at halftime.

FitzSimons: Chicago food is great. You shouldn't have been feeding them Miami food. Everything should come from Chicago. After all, our city father was Al Capone.

Lovie Smith: Don't treat the Bears the way you've treated the Los Angeles Times.

Hiller: I warn you: I fired Baquet and I can get rid of you too, unless Grossman throws the way I tell him to.

Grossman: I need to follow my coach's instructions.

FitzSimons: Nonsense, David and I came down here to do for the Bears what we've done for Tribune Co. and you must follow our instructions.

Grossman: But you guys wrecked the Tribune Co.

Hiller: Don't be insubordinate. Now, taunt the Colts by throwing your passes closer to them.

Grossman: Coach, do I have to?

Smith: I suppose you do. If you don't, Hiller will sic his friend Ken Starr on you, and you'll be prosecuted in the off-season.

(Grossman throws an intercepted pass, which is returned 56 yards for a touchdown, icing the game for the Colts)

Hiller: Hmmm! Kelvin Hayden is a cousin of mine. I play squash with him, just like I did with Donald Rumsfeld.

FitzSimons: We're going to have to downsize further. The Bears can do with half the linemen they have.

Smith: Fuck you, you dirty scoundrel.

(Game ends: Colts win, 29-17).

FitzSimons: Well, David, I guess it's back to Chicago and Los Angeles for us.

Hiller: But not before we have some of that Chicago food we brought with us. Rex, would you like some?

Grossman: No. I don't want to die of food poisoning. I've already lost the game, following your instructions.

Smith: Get the hell out of here, you screwballs. Next year, I'm going to follow Baquet to Washington and coach the Redskins.

FitzSimons: Fuck you, you dirty scoundrel. I'll send James O'Shea in to coach the Bears as soon as you leave.

Hiller: The Bears might not win. But under O'Shea, at least they'll have a better Web site.

FitzSimons: Not with our money, though.



Anonymous Indefatiguable Schoolmarm said...

A few suggestions:

1. Don't try comedy, you're not good at it. Stick with criticism.

2. When you do criticism, try not to be so shrill. You write as if everyone already shares your perspective, which prevents you from convincing those who don't.

3. Don't insult the city of Chicago. Most Chicagoans also hate the Tribune, but they love their city. Why alienate millions of potential allies? Use your noggin.

2/06/2007 8:19 AM  

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